Topic: poligamy

[basimah]

ASSALAMU ALAIKUM,
               MY QUESTION IS WHY ARE SO MANY WOMEN OPPOSED TO POLIGAMY WHEN IT IS A MERCY TOWARDS BOTH MEN AMD WOMEN FROM ALLAH? THIS IS NOT JUST SOMETHING MADE UP BY MAN. THIS IS IN THE QURAN. IF ALL MEN HAD ONLY ONE WIFE, WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE UNMARRIED WOMEN? WHAT ARE THEY TO DO? I AM EAGER TO HEAR RESPONSES ESPECIALLY FROM MY SISTERS.

[Servant of Islam]

ASSALAMU ALAIKUM,

wa alaykum assalam dear sis

Welcome to TalkAboutIslam.com  :blowkiss:

MY QUESTION IS WHY ARE SO MANY WOMEN OPPOSED TO POLIGAMY WHEN IT IS A MERCY TOWARDS BOTH MEN AMD WOMEN FROM ALLAH?

This issue was discussed in our forum more than once...

But I'll say that when a woman does not learn what's lawful and what's not, when she does not learn the rights that she has and the right that her husband have, when she does not learn the judgments in our religion, she won't understand this issue as she should, and she may come up with wrong things concerning this.

THIS IS IN THE QURAN. IF ALL MEN HAD ONLY ONE WIFE, WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE UNMARRIED WOMEN? WHAT ARE THEY TO DO? I AM EAGER TO HEAR RESPONSES ESPECIALLY FROM MY SISTERS.

These points are from the major points that we used in the discussions, you're right in what you've said.

Check this thread my honorable sister, I think you'll find what you're looking for.

(F)

[Ismatudeen]

As salamu ^alaykum

I think one of the reasons some of the sisters are reluctant to see their husbands having other wives is the way some men change towards their first wives.  I mean don't take me wrong, I am not against it at all.  On the contrary, I think a lot of times it can even be very beneficial to the first couple. I just wish that men could be more wise when they have two wives.  This is an advice to the brothers, when you take another wife, just be sensitive to your wife's feelings. Keep her secure about the way she feels bout herself. Now I've come a long way on this issue, and I know for sure now that when a man marries again it does not necessarily mean that he doesn't love his wife anymore.  I think both parties should show wisdom and compassion towards each other.  Allah ta^aala made it lawful, so it certainly is a good thing . We just have to deal with it.  Teach your daughters that it's normal . Don't say, if you do this, your husband will take another wife! it sounds negative.  Say instead, if you do this it might ruin your marriage. They will grow to be more accepting of their husbands having other wives, and it will be EASIER for them.  I thank Allaah that he helped me stronger on this issue, more than I ever dreamt to be. Praise be to Allaah.

[Anonymous]

***  

Sorry, but I just read the book: "Bookdealer in Kabul" by the outstanding Norwegian author Åsna Seierstad.  She lived with a Muslim Afghan family for 6 months and wrote a book about it. And, the first thing she says is that the treatment of women in Afghanistan, in the name of Islam, is horrible. Even after the Taliban.

She describes how a man in his late fifties suddenly tells his family that he is going to marry again, take a second wife. To a 15 year old girl. A child.

The girl wept when she was "sold" to this man.  She had no choice. And, yes, she was sold. For a very good price.

His wife, who had borne him 6 children? Well, she wasn't sexually interesting anymore. He shipped her off to Pakistan. But before doing so, he demanded that she, his old wife, serve him and his child bride breakfast in bed for  their 10 day honeymoon, serving them in the same bed she had shared with that man for nearly 25 years. The bed where she had borne his children.

How cruel and unkind can that be? I can't imagine the shame and degradation that she must have felt.  To be told: you aren't sexy anymore: out with you! In with the child bride!

Why couldn't she be allowed the dignity of a divorce? Why must she live like an old, worn out shoe in the corner of a house while the young girl now has the attention of her husband. Totally sick!

There is nothing wrong if a man wants more than one wife.  But don't force the poor wives to bear the pain of watching her husband lose interest in her and take a new lover. Let her be free and live her own life and  divorce him: spare her the pain of watching him enjoy his new life with his new bride. A life he obviously does not wish to share with her anymore. Give the old wife some dignity!

End poligamy and the unfair property laws that go with it!!!

Moira

[Anonymous]

AND...
"IF ALL MEN HAD ONLY ONE WIFE, WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THE UNMARRIED WOMEN?"

...Oh please! That old argument is SO pathetic. It's exactly the same as the Chinese argument for crushing the bones of women's feet and forcing them to be cripples for the rest of their lives with tiny feet, rotting from the infection of broken bones and tissue. All because when they hobbled down the lane in excrutiating pain, they were more sexually attractive to men.

Thank God that tradition is now finished! The idea that there are too many women and not enough men is neither logical nor accurate anymore. In most countries there are generally an equal amount of women and men.
Except in India where people are eagerly killing their girl fetuses.... because boys are more desirable.
SICK!

End the old, sick traditions!!!! Respect for women!
Moira

[am10302]

Poligamy is a bunch of crap.

Sorry, but I just read the book: "Bookdealer in Kabul" by the outstanding Norwegian author Åsna Seierstad.  She lived with a Muslim Afghan family for 6 months and wrote a book about it. And, the first thing she says is that the treatment of women in Afghanistan, in the name of Islam, is horrible. Even after the Taliban.

She describes how a man in his late fifties suddenly tells his family that he is going to marry again, take a second wife. To a 15 year old girl. A child.

The girl wept when she was "sold" to this man.  She had no choice. And, yes, she was sold. For a very good price.

His wife, who had borne him 6 children? Well, she wasn't sexually interesting anymore. He shipped her off to Pakistan. But before doing so, he demanded that she, his old wife, serve him and his child bride breakfast in bed for  their 10 day honeymoon, serving them in the same bed she had shared with that man for nearly 25 years. The bed where she had borne his children.

How cruel and unkind can that be? I can't imagine the shame and degradation that she must have felt.  To be told: you aren't sexy anymore: out with you! In with the child bride!

Why couldn't she be allowed the dignity of a divorce? Why must she live like an old, worn out shoe in the corner of a house while the young girl now has the attention of her husband. Totally sick!

There is nothing wrong if a man wants more than one wife.  But don't force the poor wives to bear the pain of watching her husband lose interest in her and take a new lover. Let her be free and live her own life and  divorce him: spare her the pain of watching him enjoy his new life with his new bride. A life he obviously does not wish to share with her anymore. Give the old wife some dignity!

End poligamy and the unfair property laws that go with it!!!

Moira

Hello!
Hope you are well.
Just a few things, I don't know all the technical ins and out of multiple marriage, but I do know that Islamically, it really isn't like this little horror story here!
If a man is to take another wife, it has to be under the agreement of his first wife, and he has to be capable of treating both wives equally in ALL ways.
Of course this culturally does not always occur, but it is the Islamic way that we are discussing here.
I am sure that someone will write a more comprehensive and full answer soon insha'Allah.
As for saying that what the Taleban did being Islamic, since when did birds singing and kite-flying be haraam? Nevermind the beating of women in such a barbaric way being Islamic. Remember that many people say that what they do is in the name of Islam. I don't to make this site sound like it is obsessed, but the Taleban had a strong Wahhabi influence and often actions taken were contrary to Islamic law.
Take care,
 :sis1

[Servant of Islam]

Poligamy is a bunch of crap.

Moira, this is not accepted, we will not allow you to talk like this about our religous judgment.

This is an Islamic site, and if you wish to continue posting here, you must respect the rules.

[Anonymous]

"Moira, this is not accepted, we will not allow you to talk like this about our religous judgment".

Sorry, I realize my choice of words was overly harsh.
I'll try to be more subtle in the future.

Just out of curiosity: which rule was I violating?
Moira

[Anonymous]

Am10302:

"Just a few things, I don't know all the technical ins and out of multiple marriage, but I do know that Islamically, it really isn't like this little horror story here!"

Well, in the beginning of her book, Seierstad makes it very clear that all of the information in her book is exactly as she observed while living in Kabul with an Afghan family. She also travelled with the Northern Alliance for 1 year.
She states in the beginning of the book that she has not falsified anything, the only change she has made is the names of the people involved.

The child bride that I described is not the only story that she mentions. Another story is of a young Afghan girl living in a refugee camp in Pakistan whe had been married off to a man living in Canada. The girl never met him before the wedding, and after the wedding he had to return to Canada. Unfortunately, she had fallen in love with a boy in the camp before the arranged marriage. She met that boy once after the wedding, alone, in a park. Perhaps to say goodbye? Her family found out. A couple of days later, an older brother went into her bedroom and suffocated her with a pillow. It was an execution carried out without judge or jury. Her crime was to meet that boy alone in a park.

Another story is about the youngest daughter in the family that Seierstad lived with. The daughter of course had no choice in whom she would marry. Her father and brothers decided who she would marry. A young man showed an interest in her. But, because an older brother owed someone a favor, she was married off to that man's brother as repayment for that favor. She was completely depressed by the marriage because it would mean that the task of washing clothes and cooking for an extended family of nearly 25 people would fall to her. To add insult to injury, Seierstad described how that older brother mocked her, making jokes about all the hard work she would face after her marriage.

These kinds of horror stories are an everyday event in Afghanistan. Even now,  after the Taliban, women have no rights in their choice of husband. And, it is the man's family (parents and siblings) who approves his decision to marry a second wife. Not the first wife. The first wife has absolutely no say in it.  And, even if the man's family doesn't approve, he can marry again anyway. In my opinion, (am I entitled to it?) poligamy was, is and has always been about women's sexual availablity to men and their value as household laborers.
moira

[am10302]

Moira, we are getting on to a whole new kettle of fish here.
As I said before, the situations you describe is not Islamic, and therefore there should not be all this judgment bandied about. Murder and such violence are not tolerated, neither are such forced situations.
Of course, all across the world these kind of things happen, thousands of women get battered to death by their brothers, husbands, strangers, anyone, in the UK, nevermind worldwide, but that doesn't mean that all women are treated terribly and that we should go on an international tirade against everything male.
Also, please remember that books are rarely written about the positive side of life - would Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities be so interesting had all the characters been friendly contributors to a smoothly running society? I think not. Extremes are always written about because they move us and are interesting.
As for asking if you are entitled to express an opinion, really, that is ridiculous. I have mentioned several times that it is good to hear opinions of every kind from every person, so please don't insult us here with such throw away lines.
Clearly, you have either not read what I said about the Islamic laws on poligamy, or else you do not think I am telling the truth. Either way, I can do nothing about this and it is your choice if you wish to remain stuck with your fixed ideas about a religion of which you know little about.
I look forwards to your next post, I hope that you can try and understand the difference between a religious law and those set up with little comprehension and adhesion to anything but misoginist opinion.