Alsalmu alaykom,
Thank you Sister Ummkulthum, and Brother Sami Yusuf.
Thanks for welcoming me, and for your interest and replies. I read the article on Islam Q&A regarding prayer. It hurts a little more to find out what I already suspected, but am grateful to Allah for the provisions he has bestowed upon us, as they are for our benefit. And Allah alone is worthy of our worship.
I want to first remind readers that my signature in my post introduces me and my background.
I know that the question I asked sounds like a stand alone subject but there's a big picture that brings me to asking that question. I hope you don’t mind and that you'll appreciate reading about my situation and helping me out even more. I say 'appreciate' because I know that when someone has come to me for help, I appreciate the opportunity to help. I'm American and speak only a little bit of Arabic. My husband does, but he's been living here for 22 years (since college) and although he (we) used to speak to our kids in Arabic while they were babies; life was just too busy to add Arabic lessons and translations.
I read the (English meaning of) the Qur'an almost every evening and sometimes more than once a day. I love to read it, I'm captivated by it. I've read it steadily like this for at least 4 years, and before that, I read it periodically ever since I converted 14 years ago. I also periodically listen to an English Narration of the meaning of the Quran. Reading the Qur’an has been my only (main) connection with Allah.
Shamefully I must say that I don't pray. (you were correct in that my question wasn’t regarding myself) I don't really know how to pray formally. My brother-in-law's wife taught me to pray a couple of times (wrote down procedures), I have a book with a description of the steps to pray. I've watched youtube tutorial videos on praying and wudu. I've prayed in the masjid or place of congragation on Eid about 4 or 5 times, following the prostration of the sisters in front of me. I've brought an elder sister to a Friday prayer once. I've joined a woman's prayer group and attended twice. I only know how to say the opening prayer Fatiha in Arabic. I learned this 10 years ago when teaching my child when he was 2. My husband and I used to go to our sons’ bedroom and together we’d pray sitting on our knees with one hand over the other and our heads bowed. (Then we’d say the Fatiha. My kids would really look forward to it. We probably haven’t done this in almost a year. We used to do it often. Many times afterward I would read a new sura to them from my book of short Suras, I would read the explanation, and we would try saying it in Arabic. Then I would talk to my kids about what I’ve read in the Qur’an and how important it is to be mindful of their behavior. 5 years ago, our older son went to Islamic school on Saturdays for a few months. Then his soccer games interfered. We said we would start bringing him back once we found a spot on Sundays. We never returned. I’ve printed out the forms to officially be a member of the Masjid close to us. I printed out the forms to enroll our children in Sunday school. I never followed through with my intentions.
I have more than one reason for my inconsistent behavior. My will is strong, but I struggle to execute MOST of my objectives and intentions. I have a (diagnosed) disability of Attention Deficit Disorder. I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm sure you've heard of ADD, but unless you've lived with it, or someone with it, you may have thought of it as only a learning disability or a child's disability. I had it as a child as well, but it wasn’t recognized by adults. Since I had my children, my ability to function like other mothers and complete basic responsibilities does not meet the minimum requirements of life's basic demands. I struggle and can't keep up with my responsibilities of being a mother of 2 boy’s ages 8 and 12. I can't keep my house clean and organized, or even just picked up. I miss doctor’s appointments, I’m chronically late, and I don’t properly feed myself or drink enough water. I put off any activities for myself because I don't have time and energy. I’ve had a gift certificate to an upscale salon for 2 ½ years that I haven’t used. I have a brand new IPod Touch that was given to me as a gift almost a year ago, but believe it or not I haven’t “touched” it! I also have been clinically depressed for 10 yeas and only off of meds during pregnancy and nursing. I'm giving you all of this info so that you have a better picture of me. Considering my totally disorganized mind, my lack of time (or at least the ability to prioritize my schedule in order to make time) I have not been living my life the way I wish I could. I wish I could be more disciplined in learning the Arabic prayers and to adhere to praying properly. Does Allah accept obligatory prayers in English? Do new Muslims start out praying in English? I never thought to ask because I think I was told that prostrating to Allah in prayer should only be spoken in Arabic. On the first night of Ramadan this year, before going to bed at night I performed wudu (I learned it again earlier that day from a video on youtube) I laid down my prayer rug on my bedroom floor after pushing aside the clean clothes scattered all over the floor, and I prayed in the order that I could remember. I said the Fatiha prayer over and over again. That was all I had to offer. Then I went to bed and quietly cried as to not let my husband hear.
My husband introduced me to Islam. Before I met him I knew nothing. I’m not sure I had ever even heard of Islam when growing up. When growing up I went Catholic school for a few years and went to Church regularly until I was 14. I was God minded and fearful of sinning. I can honestly say that I never really understood why the church came up with the analogy of Jesus being God when Jesus himself used to pray to God. When I read the gospel where Jesus would say, “my father” I understood Jesus to be calling God his father in the same way that God is the father of all mankind. I believe Allah brought me back to Islam through my husband (as I was a Muslim at birth). I’ve always felt that Allah knows my soul is on the right path. But now I am confused. My mind is weak, yet my heart is strong. God has brought me to Islam through my husband, but his (my husband’s) guidance and example is very limited. His example and guidance while growing up was a half-hearted one I guess.. Among his family while growing up, the 5 daily prayers weren’t a priority even though they were taught Qur’an in school. His father believed that those Muslims who go to the Masjid on Friday to pray, do so “for show” and then they go about their sins of drinking alcohol and other sinful behavior. His father didn’t trust many people. Therefore they didn’t go to the Masjid. His father was/is an honest, hardworking man who strived selflessly to provide all that he could for his 5 children including finishing college himself before his children were ready to attend. Like my husband he was very actively involved with his children’s life – not just a household provider. His father’s only serious sin (as far as I can see)was that he didn’t pray, and didn’t teach his children the correct way of life in Islam. His mother worked her hardest to provide an easy life for her children, so that they only had to study, play, and enjoy her bountiful, rich cooking. BTW, his mom and dad pray now and have done Haaj. All of his 4 siblings are good successful people who say they are Muslims, but do no pray. Not even after breaking fast during Ramadan. (I didn’t even know that this prayer should be done after just a small amount to eat and drink.) I read that we shouldn’t overfill our stomachs either. Well, his mother’s cooking talents were passed down to his sister’s and it just seems that when we have family gatherings they cook and eat too much, especially meat. I am sometimes guilty as well. But I don’t think they struggle with their non-Muslim behavior. My struggle with my way of life always haunts me. When I ask my husband why he doesn’t read the Qur’an with me, or why he’s not interested in reading it, he says that he’s not ready to be very religious. This is also the reason for not praying. He’s not ready yet but will be ready someday but I can’t force him to. He always says he will teach me prayer, but I seriously don’t think he remembers. I actually wasn’t going to get into talking about my husband specifically because I’m talking behind his back which is disrespectful, but not so that I can cause him shame, but receive help in bringing our family closer to Islam. I am obligated to right?
Outside of my husbands lack of spiritual guidence he is very loyal to me and our children. I am so proud of him as a father. He is affectionate with our boys, plays with them and their friends, he has coached their soccer team for 5 years, brings them to stadium games, and helps them with their homework. He doesn’t spend much of his free time away from home. I love him and am devoted to him and I want to help him.
There is something that I’ve been thinking about which could explain so much if I am right. I’ve always cried to him about not appropriately responding to my emotional needs. (yes, I know…many woman feel this way right) for example he doesn’t understand at which time he should offer me words of support, comfort, compassion, validation, recognition etc…Sometimes I know he wants to express his feelings of concern, (as I blither on in despair) but he has no idea what to say, so he’ll ask me if I want a drink or if I’m hungry. Then he’ll leave me alone if I ask him to and later he’ll act like nothing happened, never intending to address my feelings. Because of this I accuse him of lacking emotional intelligence. I wonder if maybe certain childhood experiences or lack of childhood experiences (such as prayer and conversations about feelings) may have caused some kind of emotional deficit which could be inhibiting him from connecting with Allah through prayer. When you submit to Allah you open your heart and become vulnerable to feelings. I’m pulling together my 14 years experience of being married to my husband and have come upon a possible revelation. I ask myself: Which quality in that of an honorable husband is most adored by his wife? That quality would be his love for Allah. With this being his greatest quality, he is sure to be great to his wife. Within every page of the Qur’an Allah’s feelings are perfectly and most compassionately expressed. If he would read the Qur’an he would listen to Allah’s example of expressing emotions. When reading the Qur’an he’ll become better at opening himself up to feelings. Maybe this is the only way to let go of his inhibitions to pray. I’m going to tell him about this tomorrow. I have to lead him to prayer. Our marriage will strengthen and our children will live the life of true Muslims. And we will all pray together.
I’ve spent all day writing this. (with some Lyme disease research on the side) Oh, so not only is my mind unfocused because of ADD but for the past 5 months I’ve been fighting Lyme disease which also causes cognitive problems amongst a list of other painful symptoms. But I won’t even open THAT for discussion. That’s a whole different forum!
Oh, above I said, “I spent all day writing this” I guess I didn’t say – I recently had to let go of my licensed home childcare business. I was contemplating it for 6 months before I got Lyme. Once I got Lyme I lightened my load. Now that I’ve gone through treatment and it’s not getting better, I’ve had to let all of the daycare go. I only have one child left who comes 2 days/week until he finds care. This was a very hard decision to make, but I’m really trying to take care of myself for the first time in 5 years.
Thanks again for listening. Peace to you and yours and
EID MUBARAK!!!!
